Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back

Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later

Me: Perfect, send it

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.