8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
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Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
you’re not fooling anyone
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?