8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
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Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Saw your ex at the shops
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
God has left this place
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that