8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
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walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
john wicks are toilet candles
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.