8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
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Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
