8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
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*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.