8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
You Might Also Like
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
The options really are this bad
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated