8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
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At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”