8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
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shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.