Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?

Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.