Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop