Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

This might be the funniest tweet ever

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….