8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
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Hero horse inspires millions
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.