@tracietom

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

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@Mom_Overboard

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

@djdarrellripley

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

@TheAlexNevil

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

@bourgeoisalien

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

@drinksmcgee

Canada’s method on making sure people stay home seems to be working.

@Reverend_Scott

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

@tangledteatime

Me: Alright. Does everyone have their parachutes?

Paul: Yup.

Dave who sometimes lies for fun: *giggling* Yah.

@ArfMeasures

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

@TheWifeYouLove

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind