Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this

Tammy is short for Tamuel

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.