Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

favorite tropes as memes

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

How wrong was this guy?

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…