8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
You Might Also Like
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Not today. 😅
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
no regrets
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
Wikigenius
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds