Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.