Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.

me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!