80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
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Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra