80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
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[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Matt Goss
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Flowers bee like
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.