80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
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41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
