80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
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Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.