80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
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Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
When can I start eating bats again.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.