[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
A completely valid reaction tbh
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
