[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
how to have an accident 101
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
