80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
You Might Also Like
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.