Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

💀💀

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on