80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Gemma Correll
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
