80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
Oh my god
How long do you have to wait between naps?
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
