[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
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My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Not😆🤣
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore