80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
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Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?