80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
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aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
i did the math
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”