Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

I have a place for everything. The floor.

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.