Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

If you love someone, let them sleep.

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want