Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu