Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.