Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

Nothing to do, you say?

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket