80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
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Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.