Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

time machine? you mean a clock?

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.