Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

“Extra cheese”

Extra! Extra! More cheese!!

“No olives”

Breaking! Hold on the olives!

~Ex-Newsie working at Subway

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.