Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?

Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.

10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.

me watching my own Instagram story

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.