Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.

My mom texting me from an anime convention

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?

me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”