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man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death