Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?