Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
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3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]