You Might Also Like
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much