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Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Does beer think about me too?
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO