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[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
The days of good grammer has went
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.