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Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.