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To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.