You Might Also Like
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?