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I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”