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Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
What?!?
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Just why bro?!
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.