You Might Also Like
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
never compromise your values
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.