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I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
😲 WTF? 😆
