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Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out