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“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”