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You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again