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. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Shark week, but for squirrels.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.