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People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.