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*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
