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Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
britain’s three elite institutions
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up