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Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
😎 🍻
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)