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I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.