Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!

Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?