80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
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If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I love wikipedia
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer
“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.