80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
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alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
R.I.P.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
middle school in the ’90s
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
what’s more important?
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.