Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

Pizza is an emotion right?

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

i think we should see other cousins

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

gender is a sprctrum

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.