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Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..