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oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.