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Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥