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Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.