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jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Finally!
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”