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Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Managing expectations
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache